Warning: Embarrassing details inside

So here I sit.  I've just been injected with radioactive fluid that will turn me into Spider-Man.  Ok, maybe not, but the metal container it comes in makes me feel like a science experiment. Anywho, I'm lounging for the next hour until the fluid works it's way through my bloodstream.  Then I'll sit in a machine for 45 minutes and the results from that will tell my doctor whether the chemo and radiation treatments worked or not. 

It's PET scan day. 

I asked my doc yesterday to confirm that he'll call me when he gets the results.  I don't see him for another 2 weeks and I can pretty much guarantee I can't wait that long to find out what's going on.  I'm not a worrier, but I'm a tad bit anxious about where I stand in the cancer game.

Life has been kind of getting back to normal.  From talking to family and friends, I've found that everyone thinks I'm back to the same ol Lesley.  I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it!

The weeks following treatment, even though you're not physically receiving treatment, the treatment you had is still working on your body.  I'm told this is why you don't get scanned immediately after treatment ends.  When treatment is over, they pretty much send you on your way and you recover....and wait.

You know what prescription the doctors did give me after my treatment was done?  Not drugs....but sex.  Because that's just what I want to jump into after putting my lady parts through all that hell.  Awesome. Sign me up.  You know what happens if I don't "fill my prescription"? My hoo hoo closes.  Yup.  You read that right.  That's a thing.  Seriously.  Nobody wants that. 

I know you're dying for more embarrassing details and frankly that's what I'm here for....to embarrass myself.  At the last meeting with my radiation crew they gave me a gift.  The gift being a dialator.  It was like a sex toy party with every ounce of fun sucked out of it.  Like your parent giving you the sex talk and you just want to sit there with your fingers in your ears saying "lalalalala".  Yeah. Thanks.  I'll just stick that in my purse and be on my way. 

I know it sounds like it should be fun.  And, really, who doesn't want to be prescribed that?  But simply said, without going into details, it's not fun for me.  At all.  This part of the cancer game is going to be a long road.

In other news....

Turns out I have quite a bit of scar tissue that's wreaking havoc on my lower back.  I'm still trying to figure this part out.  I knew when I was done with treatment that my muscles around my lower back and abdomen (the radiation sites) just felt different.  I still can't explain it.  It feels really tight, but not just overuse/sore muscle tight.  Just different.  I started out seeing a physical therapist.  She gave me many, many stretches to do and those have been helping, but just a little. The first time she touched my lower back, she immediately told me how bad it was and said I could benefit from massage (who couldn't?). 

My next step was seeing a personal trainer.  I lost about 25 lbs during my 7 weeks of treatment.  Pretty sure it was all muscle.  I wanted to start working out again but I was a little afraid as my body felt so much different.  It was important to me that I found someone that has experience with cancer patients - that knows that my body is different.  I found her and she's kicking my butt and it's fabulous.  But we're still having issues with getting my back feeling good.  She too has said that she can feel the tightness in my back.  Unfortunately it's my way lower back that's pretty darn hard to stretch.

Sooooo my next call went to a massage therapist.  I'm still researching my options here.  When I asked my insurance company about massage therapy, they said it's not covered so....yeah.  That's next on my list of things to do.

So while from the outside it looks like I'm totally back to normal, I'm not quite there yet.  I didn't finish treatment and boom, life is perfect again.  I'll get there though.  For now, I need to just think of more embarrassing stories for you.

Oh!  Like the one where I had radiation burns so bad on my bum that they were open sores.  At one point they told me to make sure I keep the cream on it or my butt cheeks will stick together and heal that way.  While that was pretty terrifying at the time, it's a great story to hold on to and tell the grandkids someday.  And it goes over great in a bar when you're out drinking with your friends.

Speaking of drinking....we haven't really celebrated the completion of treatment yet.  I'm due for a party.  Hopefully the results from this scan will warrant a celebration as well.  And hey my birthday is coming so I'm not lacking reasons to have some fun. 

Fingers crossed for good results.  Here we go!

Out of hiding

I know, I know I kind of went into hiding there for a while, huh? To tell you the truth I went quiet for a few weeks to spare you from my crankiness. I was pretty darn miserable and I was afraid I'd only write mean things. To sum up the last few weeks of treatment: cancer f*cking sucks. And not so much the cancer, but the side effects of the treatment you're suffering through. Did you know that radiation burns you? Like leaves marks, burns you? Like need to use creams in places only babies should need creams, burns you? Reason #284 why Lesley will never be a bikini model. Throughout all this miserableness no matter what advice anyone gave me, nothing was helping. I just had to wait it out. So I did. And here I am. Burned parts and all.

The good news is I'm using less toilet paper these days....if you get my drift. The doc said to slowly introduce foods back in my diet to see what I can tolerate. I took that as go eat everything you've been craving for the last 2 months but couldn't eat (I might not be great at following directions). I just look at it as celebratory gluttony.

Because of my increased visits to the potty, I've lost a considerable amount of weight. Listen, I've been walking the fine line between being obese and overweight most my life, so normally losing 25 lbs in a matter of weeks would be cause for celebration. Losing 25 lbs from having stupid cancer mess with your insides? Not cause for celebration. This may be why when people see me now and say "You've lost so much weight! You look great!", I cringe. I know it's a gut reaction (pun not intended, but I'm keeping it) to say this to overweight people who have lost weight....I know, I've said it before too. But don't say it to normally overweight people who lost weight because they've been through 7 weeks of hell.  I'd rather be fat. Take this as a public service announcement. Please.

So what's the plan for the future, you ask? (You didn't ask, but I wasn't sure how to segway from fat talk to....anything else). It's been about 2.5 weeks since my last treatment. I meet with my oncologist in about a week and as long as everything looks as it should, I'll go for a scan in a few months and cross my fingers that Roid hasn't returned. As for the immediate future, I'll be returning to work soon. I miss interacting with adults. Being a stay at home mom while trying to rest and recover was not an easy gig. I think my kids are ready to get rid of me.

I haven't explained much to my kids about what's going on. My 5 year old just knows that mommy went to the doctor everyday and that something is wrong with her belly. Even though they didn't know, they helped me celebrate on my last day of treatment - along with my husband, my parents, my partner in crime - Aunt Jean, and 2 of my amazing friends. There is a bell in the lobby of Roswell for patients to ring on their last day of treatment. On the first day of my journey at Roswell, I took a picture of this bell. I took it so I could have it with me as something to work towards - someday I'd ring that sucker. But then in the beginning of my journey, part of me wanted to skip the bell because I thought it would be mean to other patients who had a longer journey than I did - those who wanted to ring, but couldn't. But as I progressed and met other patients, I saw how supportive of one another we were. And as I neared the end of my treatment, at my most miserable point, all I could think about was that damn bell. I would ring it for me and for my pals I waited in the radiation waiting room with - day after day. I would ring it for all the amazing staff that helped me every day. I'd ring it for my supportive family and friends. Being able to walk out of the radiation department and ring it in front of my family and friends and have everyone in the lobby cheer as I did it - Best. Feeling. Ever.

I wish I could end this lengthy post with "and that's how I beat cancer"....but I didn't...yet. I survived treatment, that's what I did. I'm so happy it's over for now. I'm not sure why I got this rare form of cervical cancer....but I did. Did it make me stronger? I'm not sure. It definitely taught me a lot. I know/have known way too many people with cancer. I can safely safe that until you go through this yourself, you just have no idea. I had no idea. 

Zap!

Forgive me for not posting last week?  Happy Belated Valentine's Day!  We didn't go out for a big dinner but I bought new underwear!  Ha!  We'll just pretend it was a normal Valentine's Day.  The woman that checked me out at the store even gave me a sneaky look and wished me a Happy Valentine's Day when I was buying them.  Sorry, lady, while I'd like to say I bought them for the holiday of love, in reality, I have to drop my pants for a group of strangers on a daily basis and something needed to be done. Romantic, eh?

Ever wonder what radiation treatment is like for a cervical cancer patient?  I walk in, drop my pants, lay on a table, and a giant machine rotates around me and zaps in just the right places.  The picture below is of my actual treatment room.  They gave me 3 tattoos around my belly (my first ink!) before I started treatment so they know where to line me up.  Then they make sure I'm in the right position using lasers and machines in the room. I have a wonderful crew that sets me up each day and gets to hit the magic buttons.  They're kind of my personal batch of super heroes.  They get to shoot the bad guy every day!  They're after you, Roid!

So this is the eve of week 5.  4 weeks complete!  Yahoo!  Yippee!  According to the current plan, tomorrow will be my last chemo treatment and I'll finish up with about 3 more weeks of radiation.  While it sounds downhill, we start a new adventure next week.  These past 4 weeks I've been receiving external radiation.  Starting next week, 1 to 2 times a week, I'll be receiving internal radiation - also known as brachytherapy.  Unlike my current quick and easy daily morning zaps, these treatments will take hours and involve me getting anesthesia - like the epidurals I had with the kiddos.  It's called internal radiation....so they're going in!  Ugh.  I'm not thrilled.  I'll let you know how it goes!

Also, in case you're keeping tabs...still not keeping any food in.  I'm looking forward to being done with treatment and being able to eat.  This is ridiculous.

Day 1 - One Down!

You know when you're pregnant for the first time and you subscribe to all those web sites that tell you what size fruit your baby is and what is happening to your body that particular week?  (If no, then just pretend you know what I'm talking about - or go ask a pregnant friend) Some people like to read ahead and see what size their baby will be and what their symptoms might be in the coming weeks.  I never liked to do this.  Why?  If it told me that the 3rd Tuesday of my second trimester, my left earlobe would itch at 4pm, I'd wonder if it really itched or of I just had it in my head because these crazy baby people told me it may happen. I'd rather just see what happened to me. Everyone is different. Life is an adventure!

Today I started chemo and radiation.  You know how many times the word nausea was brought up?  I could be nauseous all day every day.  I could not be nauseous at all.  As I sit here and write this, I feel completely fine....except for the impending doom of nausea.  Will I have to stop writing because I'll feel sick in 5 minutes?  Will I be sick tonight?  Will I feel ok? Will I wake up feeling like crap?  The possibilities are endless....and none are definite. While I appreciate the warning, part of me just wants to be surprised.  I know that's not a thing. Side effects are a thing.  But which ones will happen and when?!?  Life is an adventure.

Here is another issue.  I haven't had an appetite for months.  I normally like to eat.  Obviously.  It's one of my favorite hobbies. So this no appetite part sucks.  If the devil wore red Prada, I guess you could say I'm one battle with cancer away from my goal weight.  (Please find that funny.  It's funny.  I promise cancer wasn't in my original weight loss plan haha)  Aaaaanyway, today - on the last day I ever thought this would happen - my appetite mysteriously made a dramatic return.  And to celebrate, I ate enough to make up for my weeks of not eating.  Really.  I may be slightly embarrassed by the amount of food I consumed haha.  So here's the dilemma - if I get sick later....will it be because I had chemo today....or will it be because I stuffed my face like it was my last meal?  Smart move for Lesley? No, not really.  But I have stupid cancer and I get to do stupid things.  Life is an adventure. 

On another note, a shout out to a cool little dude named Ethan Franks.  His mommy was making us some meals for our freezer and he thought we needed some chocolate chip cookies.  Ethan is a super smart little boy :)