Thursday, June 22, 2017

It's Going To Be Worth It...

I'm struggling - even as I start typing - with how to write this entry. I so badly want to put on strong girl panties and talk about how great this is to be done with the surgery - How happy I am that it's over. Truth is though...I can't put on my strong girl panties... like I literally cannot. They're too uncomfortable. I've been living in hospital grade mesh undies. Those of you that have had children or your spouse has had a child - you know what beautiful pieces of undergarment I'm referring to. They're stretchy. They're airy. They're magnificent.

The undies are covering about 40 staples. They stapled me shut. I'm not sure why I find that so disturbing. They're up around my belly button down past my c-section scar almost to my hoo-hoo. Believe it or not, that's not even the part that hurts. I've been told maybe I'll feel better once the staples come out but I'm not sure it'll make a difference. The docs did a lot of work inside me. They moved some things. They removed some things. I got word today that the pathology reports show that they got negative margins around the cancer they removed. You know what that means?  I'm cancer free. I'm freaking cancer free.

Why am I not screaming it from the rooftop? And celebrating? And calling everyone I know? Because I have a hard time functioning as a human right now. Cancer free comes at a price. I barely get out of bed. 95% of my day is spent either being uncomfortable or in pain. I'm not telling you that to make you feel bad for me. But I thought I'd be as real as I can in this post. Why start sugar coating my feelings now?

After the surgery, I spent 2 days in IMCU and then the remainder of the week in a regular room at Roswell. Throughout my stay, they wanted me up and moving around. Which was fine but every time I got up, it was at least a ten minute process to organize all my tubes and things to where I could move around - and then the same when it was time for me to lay back down. I had a NG Tube that sucked the contents of my stomach out through my nose - that was a treat. I had a drain coming out of my abdomen. They emptied this multiple times a day. Every time they cleared the tubing it made the suction super strong and it full strength sucked out my insides. No sugar coating. That was a bitch. You can imagine what it felt like getting this drain pulled out. "Just a little pressure" the doc said. That was cute. After the surgery, they packed my hoo hoo with gauze. What goes in, must come out. It was like giving birth again when that came out. Good morning to you too, doc. I also had a catheter for 10 days. 'Nough said there. Then all of the IVs. Two in each arm and one in the artery in my neck. This part scared my kids. They barely came near me when they came to visit. Who blames them? Mommy has a giant device hanging out of her neck - that's not normal. I thought for sure that when they took it out I'd have blood squirting across the room like a horror flick. I didn't. It was ok. Phew.

One night I was up walking and I was feeling pretty good (thanks, meds). I kept passing the same nurse in the hallway. At one point he said, "you doing the mile?"  I laughed. He didn't. When I asked if he was serious, he said a mile was 33 laps around the floor. I was on lap 13. I could do 20 more. Challenge accepted. I did it. 33 laps. I only did that once though. Ouch.

For those of you that have birthed babies (my fancy panty - wearing friends), remember that first time you pooped after giving birth? Remember how scary that was? Multiply that by 100 and you'll kind of understand where I'm at - but on a daily basis. I'm about 2 weeks post surgery and going to the bathroom is so damn scary. I'm going to stop there and not go into anymore details. You're welcome.

I spend most of my day laying in bed. I usually will only sit up when I'm eating. It hurts to sit - even in bed. And I can only stand for so long. So laying down it is. I feel pathetic. I know I need to heal but shoooot this sucks. This really really sucks.

Because I'm spending so much time laying in bed and not moving, my back issues from radiation are returning. I did a lot of work last year to help my back feel "normal" again after it was destroyed by radiation. Physical therapy, massage therapy, personal training to build my strength - all of those were needed and all of them helped. But now I feel back at square one. So it's not just pain from the surgery, but my back is a mess on top of it. I'm eager to get back to physical therapy and everything else so that I can feel better again but I'm still waiting for the day I wake up really ready to get to work. This is unlike me. I'm a fighter. I normally push myself harder than I should. And I'm always up for a challenge.

Though I currently feel defeated, I know this hasn't beat me. I'm not down for good. I've just been knocked on my ass and it's taking me extra long to get my footing back. I mean....I'm cancer free. I beat this. Again. I'm 2 for 2, cancer. You shitbag. Bite me.

June 10, 2017
Day after surgery

Cheery little visitor

June 16th, 2017
My escape

My little buddy's last day of kindergarten.  I was so, so uncomfortable. Fighting to put a smile on my face. I was hiding my catheter in a bag behind him so it wasn't in the picture.  This is also the day I got that stupid thing removed. Thank goodness.

Bedside entertainment

My bodyguards

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

I wish we all could take your pain for one day and give you a break!

Misty said...

I have always thought you were an incredible person, and you just keep proving me right. The strength, resilience, hope, and fight that you continue to show is absolutely amazing. I don't have the words to tell you exactly what I mean here..... I wish that I did.

Anonymous said...

I wish I could help take your pain away. I remember some of the great times growing up together even though we grew apart. You are always in my thoughts lots of love. Robin Hallows

Ken said...

Hugs and love to our awesome fighter!! Time is a healer but it's always slooooow!

Anonymous said...

You are so strong, I am in awe. Give your body time to heal and take the baby steps necessary to finding the new better version of you. Congrats on being cancer free. Enjoy each day with each victory you achieve. Just remember it's not how quickly you get to the finish line of this part of your journey, it's that you get there that is important.

Donna said...

I'm so glad you posted what's been happening. You'll do this Lesley. You'll do this because we all want a birthday replay WOOHOO��. Thank you God. The best is that it's gone Lesley. You can now continue your job molding those 2 beautiful children to be strong wise adults as only you can. You are loved bunches.

Anonymous said...

God Bless you Leslie from a friend of Lynn B....You are an amazing woman.

Anonymous said...

so sorry for the misspell .....I mean Lesley.........keep up the good fight !

Liza Rockwood said...

The warrior is alive and well inside of you! You fight, you love and you laugh it off. You are an inspiration to me, your strength and sense of humor, combined with a beautiful way to put it into words is amazing...needles to say, you should book your blog. Many of us are getting checked because of you, feeling blessed because of you and believing in miracles because of you. Your presence in our world is a gift, one that God will keep with us for many years to come.
Stay strong, be patient with yourself and know that you kicked cancer's ass for good. Lv, Lz

Unknown said...

Stay strong Wonder Woman! We only chatted for a moment at the Y and bonded over flip flops but I'm thankful to have met you! You're an inspiration!

Diana Monaco said...

You are badass and know that we are all pulling for you!

Anonymous said...

May God Bless You and give you strength. You are one amazing woman with so much to live for. You are an inspiration to all of us who cry over a hangnail. You are brave, beautiful, and you knocked the hell out of your opponent. Stay strong. You've got this

Unknown said...

Praying for you & thinking of you often
I'm not sure I could be as brave & strong as you. My mom went through cancer surgeries three times and made it through - you can too!
Sending lots of love ❤️ ��✝️ And prayers

Anonymous said...

Your an amazing person that has been through so much already in life.... The journey your going through has been one of the roughest moments a person can go through but u have did it.... So proud of you for keeping up the faith.....Your one of the most amazing people i know....Stay stong and keep the faith cause you got this fight..... CANCER FREE YOU ARE AND WE ALL HAPPY FOR U......

Rod and Janice Klinzing said...

Lesley, you are one awesome woman! We pray always for your continued healing and strength in this battle against - what was that you called it again? - oh, well, I'll leave it at that! God bless you! By the way, Ride for Roswell comes right by our house on Fruit Avenue each year, and this year we'll be thinking about you with every bike that passes our way! All our love to you!

Mary Theresa said...

You are amazing, sending prayers!

Unknown said...

Love to you. My sister suffered significantly with her cancer, so this is the major way I can understand your journey. I will pray which is what we did a lot of for her.

Christina Abt said...

There really are no words over and above yours, Lesley. You are one of the strongest people I know and your attitude is inspiring. I continue to keep you and your beautiful family in my prayers. #staystrong @warriorwoman

Anonymous said...

Leslie you r an inspiration to every individual that is fighting cancer. You r in my thoughts and prayers!

mr406wps said...

You are amazing...(and we all think we have problems)..I'm feeling like I should NEVER complain again about any pain or anything!! Everyone could learn a lesson hearing your incredible story! Bless you and may angels protect you and take away some of the heavy burden you are bearing.